Ellis: How we change hearts and minds about gay marriage

By Mike Ellis
Sunday, March 15, 2009

When Rabbi Jamie Korngold married Fran and Anna Simon in 2005, she made sure all present understood that the marriage had no legal standing.

According to Anna, "That was a surprise to many people." But, according to Fran, the wedding "really affirmed our relationship in their eyes, particularly the people closest to us."

Why get married, even though in the eyes of the state they cannot? "Marriage is a huge piece of Jewish life," Anna explained. "All we want is to take care of each other," Fran added.

Is their marriage complete? Anna says, "No, not in the eyes of the law, and not in the eyes of society. Emotionally, spiritually, in the eyes of our families, absolutely. We feel ourselves to be 100 percent married to each other."

"Some homosexual couples prefer to have a commitment ceremony to emphasize that homosexual couples are not granted the same rights of marriage as heterosexual couples," Korngold said. "Other couples prefer to have a wedding ceremony to emphasize that the commitment made by gays and lesbians is equal to the commitment between heterosexual couples."

The wedding she performed for Fran and Anna was the same as the legally recognized Jewish ceremony she performs for straight couples. "It was important to us to profess our love and commitment in front of our friends and family," Fran explained. Anna added, "People said it felt like a wedding through and through."

In spite of the completely normal wedding -- the hugs and tears, the love and commitment -- society does not provide Anna and Fran and their 20-month-old son, Jeremy, with any of the family protections it gives other couples. Anna told me, "We need those things, but we were willing to do the wedding without them. It hurts that afterwards we don't have the legal protections that other people have after going through the same thing."

The couple says they spent thousands of dollars and many hours away from work to create legal agreements ensuring they enjoy some of the same benefits as married heterosexual couples. "Thank goodness we could afford this, but are we going to have the paperwork on hand when we need it, and will people even respect it?" Anna wondered. "Plus there is a whole ton of things you can't get, even with a lawyer."

That "ton" includes Social Security benefits, the right to sue for wrongful death, tax-free health benefits, and access to flexible spending accounts. In fact, most of the important rights and responsibilities associated with marriage are defined in federal law, and federal law denies same-sex couples all of them.

When asked how they feel about people who oppose same-sex marriage, Anna replied, "I feel sorry for them. Why do they have that hate in their hearts? It's sad that people would spend so much money to hurt our family. When there is actual legislation that says, 'you may not have what we have,' that is so hurtful."

And yet Fran and Anna are positive. Time after time, they have found that when they are open and honest with others -- whether at work, preschool, or Target -- people are very supportive. "Every couple is an ambassador," Anna said. "It's really important to be compassionate and honest with them. It's very rewarding."

Fran added, "That's how we change hearts and minds, by being ourselves."

Mike Ellis was married legally in Boulder. More of his thoughts on gay rights can be found at insomnialog.blogspot.com, and he welcomes e-mail at EllisCamera@gmail.com.